Wednesday (10/13/2021) almost beat me DOWN, do you hear me?
Silly things that could've went wrong, seemed like it did. Not only did my camera I had for almost a year fizzed out during filming of @thepaintedfoolspainthouse - it fizzed out 3 days before another event coming up this Saturday (10/16/2021).
I've been working so hard on other things that I haven't been sleeping well. We're talking between 3-3.5 hours of sleep. I know, I know.
I'm grieving the departure of a loved one.
The most random and heated test of my patience came out of no where on my way to grab food. HEATED! 🔥
But let's talk about this CAMERA THOUGH lmao:
Whenever it comes to events and things I'm doing for (mostly paint parties) the general public - I like to be prepared days in advance - sometimes weeks, ya'll lmao.
Bags will be packed with supplies - the trunk will be loaded - and I'll always pack extras just in case. Days and days in advance. Batteries are charged, materials are double and triple checked. Full check list. It gets like that.
So, as someone who loves to be super prepared isn't prepared, I ALMOST started to panic because these types of challenges "never" happen. This happened around 11pm that night. Reached out to Canon to put in for Service Repair. According to my purchase receipt that I uploaded to them, this camera's shutter failed 3 DAYS BEFORE THE WARRANTY WENT OUT. Relief. Zero cost repair.
Good news: It's still covered under warranty
Good news: I had an older camera that I left at my parents house that's in great condition.
Great news: None of this stress is related to past mistakes with relationships lmao.
Lesson: ALWAYS have multiple back-ups on deck.
Lesson: Get an extended warranty if you've made the best investment to begin with.
Lesson: GO TO SLEEP.
Lesson: The setback is minor.
While my M50 baby is currently receiving his repairs, my SL2 delivered for the event on Saturday and all went well.
I'm so grateful.
Still can't wait to get my M50 back, though
I promise you, I've never left.
So much has transpired over the past few months that have caused such a deep level of transformation for me.
Nothing "crazy," but definitely jarring. Through shocking outside events have I been prompted to grow up faster than I was prepared for.
Which isn't all that bad because I do welcome change and enjoy things that remind me that life continues to move. So, all is well. A good homie of mine, who we all thought went missing transitioned 9/27. He was 26, focused on his future, extremely kind and cool tempered.
Had the best taste in music - influenced a large portion of the music I have added to my playlists - stopped by to see me just to see me and laugh or talk social/public topics whenever he travelled back to Jersey from his life in California.
The reason why I've been having such a tough time with this death is because he was close and the way that his heart was set up provided such a life sustaining protective force around him - I imagined. When I tell you everyone on this planet could attest to his kindness, I do not exaggerate. I always imagined some of the kindest people having such a protective hedge around them from God, ya know?
When that imagination was met with the reality that death is quick, sudden, and no respecter of the hearts or young ages of man, I had a tough time accepting that. I know we all try to wrap our minds around it and no matter how much we know that we'll never understand it, our minds will try. It's a human tendency.
I cried almost to the point of retching.
My sinuses were congested for days.
I was angry.
Everything at the same time.
And, here we go again.
I met him when he was a senior in Lindenwold High School. I was fortunate to be his mentor (and a distant mentor for another student - his best friend) for a senior project. You know, you never know how you affect a person in their youth until you find them coming to stop by and visit you randomly, asking you for counsel for one of the biggest moves of their life, they're FaceTiming you randomly, or they're showing you their accomplishments later in their life - their new vehicle, their new place, or how it's decorated...
I forgot I taught him how to drive. I forgot he used to ask me about cameras and equipment. He viewed me as an older brother.
What I will tell you is I never ignored a single call or text of his. I intuitively knew that he was a good one and to value how he valued me. I just forgot about all of these memories until he left.
And, here we go again.
But, when I tell you I had some of the deepest laughs with him around memes - some of these memes were extremely problematic (which made it all the more funnier) and others were jokes surrounding Nicki Minaj and Safaree's breakup years ago - those laughs were iconic.
Dude would ask to swing by to watch the BET awards or the VMAs and we'd scroll twitter together DYING.
This man was an angel. A six foot something angel with the heart of a child and the laugh that sounded like none other.
Assane Drame. "My guy."
I love you always. I think the hardest part was the reality that someone I loved I thought I could protect some way divinely. How arrogant of me, ya know?
Never in a million years would I post a video on YouTube fighting back tears. But I wanted to stretch my hand and heart out to those who knew him and felt it.
To his family, friends, Clippers coworkers, loved ones. I know what you're feeling and I love you too.
We all know that he left such a deep influence on the way we should love, communicate, and
I will admit that I will never be the same person I was - but who is?
Loss is necessary but what's gained in spirit and in the heart space is eternal.
How's your Leo season been? Good?
Mine has been GREAT.
The first house was LIT and it burned through the remaining clouds in my emotional haze from that 12th house Cancer season. I'm back to my true self again.
All of it was necessary. I wouldn't trade it, take it back, or dare to wish it was done differently.
But bayBEE! Let's chat about that SUN.
The SUN! I see why there's worship of the Sun. I understand WHY it's been such a central figure in different spiritual systems. It's a pretty big deal. It starts life. In the Earth, the atmosphere supports the light (energy/radiation) of the Sun, allowing for life to remain. It's sustained.
I went down and I'm still down this healthy lined rabbit hole of information about it. I legitimately want to wave to the Sun just out of respect for its dopeness, ya know?
Please take a few minutes out of your day to understand the supercharging power within the sun and in its rays. I guarantee you, you'll be astonished.
Let's twist our heads over to the Leo now. The super heroes of the Heart, carrying the sun in your entire Torso. How are you? How does it feel, carrying the center of the solar system inside of you? Being the source of light for the populace? Being the entertainer, the artist, the teacher, the coach, the lover? Beautifying us with your excellent skills in physical upkeep? How do you make it all look so effortless? How do you carry such profound energy inside of you without burning up?
Of course, we can feel it. Even when you're not saying anything. It radiates from you when you're quiet - like the heat rising from burning coal. You're intense.
But, we need it - complacency has no place in your presence. Your light burns through the fabric curtains in our windows and forces us out of our melancholy. Your light is heard in the trumpets of salsa, shattering mutations in our waters. You're amazing, Leo.
Don't forget that.
I love you.
The Generous, Dynamic One
Fun, Dramatic, some
But Leaders they’ve all become"
- The Painted Fool
Pictured in the Leo Podcast Thumbnail photo: @rcarterphoto
Yes. It's late at night and my mind began to go. Not in the anxiety ridden speed it used to, caused by lack of sleep and excessive sugar consumption, but in my glossing over of information about the Sun for the Leo podcast episode. A thought came to me.
I began to think: what is the Sun to the other planets? Often we call the Sun the giver of Life - there's Sun worship, its signifier with the moon to represent time and cycles, its spiritual value, etc. It literally gives and sustains life on Earth.
But this appears to be from our one limited perspective and our experience of Life HERE - Earth. What is the Sun to Mercury, or Mars? What about Venus? What is the Sun to Neptune, Pluto? What is the Sun to Saturn and Uranus? What is its Value?
Yes, some of us heard that it is the Sun's magnetic field that keeps the planets in the Sun's orbit. But from the perspective of living in another planet - what "Value" does the Sun hold elsewhere? What would the life's mythology be for inhabitants of Mars for instance?
What would the giver of life be to a planet that does not have the atmosphere to support the original giver of life?
To test the validity of Astrology, I decided to get my natal chart read by an elder cousin. My elder cousin predicted based upon my placements that I would "get into publishing" or "children's work." This was 2015.
In 2017 I started illustrating Children's Books.
Cut to 2021, I have illustrated 10 Children's Books: one of those is an activity book for The Painted Fool's Painthouse.
I also entered astrology to study my own life in retrospect. To connect where changes in my life happened in parallel to the transits.
My goodness. Opened up a new set of eyes.
Cut to a total of 3 readings from Chief Yuya over a course of 6 years and some major deep life changes, and all of it clicks. All of it lines up.
I can say that I've learned a great deal. I don't receive many spiritual readings or consultations; maybe 1 or 2 every 1-3 years. What I've lost, is falsehood. What I've gained is nothing - only revealed more of my Self. When you're aligned with your Soul, everything meant for your life will be in line with it. I've only "gained" more of myself and everything meant for me began to "release" from my own grip of "fear."
I've learned the cost of oversharing - I've learned the cost of being too accessible. I've learned the cost of providing discounts, because "I love your energy." I've learned the cost of replying to a text, answering a call, or giving my attention to one-way relationships of all types. I've learned what true support is. I've learned what loyalty feels like. I understand things demonstrated and unspoken as it pertains to my relationships. I've learned what excessive sugar does to my body, mind, and spirit. I've learned how a poor sleeping schedule affects me. I've gained a deep respect for the way my body communicates to me. I'm grateful it never failed me, as much as I've failed it.
I've learned some of the most insidious manipulative ways an energy seeks to transform you into someone that you are not. By getting you alone and passive aggressively attacking your views, practices, interests, and identity. Not even seeking to dim your light, but to be the container of another's destiny. Cloning, if you will. By pretending to share your interests only to move in their truth once they've received access to you. Shapeshifters. To "be right" when confronted during an offense.
Preachers of "Emotional intelligence" cloaked in a cocktail of apathy, skepticism, and narcissism. Not responsible behavior. Not active listening. Not compassion, but a distancing of the human experience. Speakers with no experience - only concepts and aesthetic. Fruitless.
Cancer season, with all of its 12th House activity in my personal life, has made me aware of the importance of energetic boundaries. By stirring up my subconscious mind with moods. By forcing me to FEEL it all. I've been in a deep state of reflecting and FEELING since April 2021. Now, at the start of Leo season and with a Full Moon in Aquarius, I've learned who and what to let go. Less about "people" and more about myself. The "People" will fall away or rise to the occasion.
The Cancer personality knows intuitively, like the mother carrying a child, what to allow in or let out of its space as it carries innocence, purity, and the vulnerable within. Likewise, we treat our Souls the same. Our consciousness the same. Carried in our skulls, the innocent, the truth - our Soul. Carried behind our ribs: our heart, the innocent and the pure. Like the Cancer that values the home, so should we value our interior. By establishing a gatekeeper, not for the "outsiders" but to keep your discernment in check, you hold yourself accountable and protect yourself. Cancer knows self-preservation and compassion.
One thing's for sure. I will not compromise my integrity, emotional, spiritual, mental, or physical body for anything. I've learned the cost and I'm tired of paying. My budget is being redirected.
A sober goodbye to self sabotage.
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Hey, Lover Muffin.
Welcome to the bonfire. The space of Authenticity.